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5/12/08 08:14 pm - unsaid words

Jon...... 

has run out of happy

has fucked up again

hates himself

misses jayna

is a fool

wishes he wasn't so far along in college

wants a ciggarette

wants to go fuckin ape shit and break something

wants to punch a wall

doesn't know what he wants

doesn't know 

all the things i want to put in my facebook status.....but i can't.....i have to appear strong. ppl don't like weak personalities. I need to start a new me.....but my old self doesn't want to leave.

4/6/08 08:27 pm - hindsight again

I hate UIS......the school not the people. I hate how the philosphy classes are mostly online....i hate the class selection in general. I should've stayed in Evansville......been a philosphy major....had my prof. Dr. Beavers as my mentor. Its sad how you only see the right path only when you look back after uve gone down a wrong one. Can't go back to UE though........no money.....stuck in springfield. Don't wanna move to another school again.....pain in the ass...maybe i should though? i dunno. fuck.

3/12/08 07:01 pm - gotta get to work

 talking with my grandpa........i realized.........Ive wasted so much of my life.....sleeping that is.......ive missed and am missing alot of opprotunities..........sleep.....ive been hiding in fear from my life......fear from what I have to do.....i have been weak......im only half concentrating on this cuz im talking on the phone with my grandpa.....imma give him my full atttention.....as I should my life.......i need to develop values.....no im off the phone.....time to get to work....ugh....time to get to work and do my work so I can live my life. I need to stop sleeping it away. But sleep is soooo good.....it feels so comfortable...all my worries melt away....my worries are still there when I wake up...overloaded with work in my life now...life is like a nightmare that I go to sleep to escape but when I wake up its still there....... Work isn't that much of a nightmare....people have got it alot worse than me. I need to be grateful, and make more outta my life than i am.tim to get to work and wriite that history paper, then other history paper, than english paper, then read political science chapters........i can get it done...i need to buck up and do it.........its not gonna get done by itself.

3/10/08 08:28 pm - whats the use?

Why do I even write in here? what do I hope to attain? No one looks at this stuff...hardley anyone knows about it..........why do I even write in it? I am wasting my time......wasting my time with contemplation when I could be doing other things. 

This has all been a waste. 

3/10/08 07:57 pm - present/future

i've been told "focus on the present"

but how when we constantly are planning for the future?

3/10/08 05:52 pm - back to adult content

says haven't made a post in 4 days.......feels like 4 weeks.....

I have another o/c cycle concerning sexuality ive decided to post....maybe I shouldn't post it....yea......im not.......if you want to read it......ask me

fuck it.......here it is......a cummlation of notes takin over the past weeks i plan to show to my doctor.......

(in reference to my dad calling himself a christian despite his different beliefs) "Don't call yourself something you aren't.....wait...does this apply to my sexual orientation? Am I really bisexual? what is my TRUE nature?

I keep having the compulsion to tell myself im not gay and am worried about that. But even if i had gay feelings that would not make me gay. that would make me bisexual.
(but if you put a beautiful naked woman in front of me i would just want to go in a corner and do my o/c--sometimes)
(my o/c are like an evil spy that on surface seem to help but are really hurting me)
Why do I feel i need to keep thinking about this? I feel a degree of unrest, of inconclusion.

Many times when i try to concentrate I find myself staring off into space. Im not sure what im thinking about. It could be about my obessions, or about something else random. I often look for explinations and find myself wrapped up in my ocd. i think i just need to boost my will power to concentrate. I need to change my mode of thinking. I CAN do it and i WILL do it.

can't commit myself to love jayna cuz the obsessions get in the way....or do they?

when it get to feeling uncomfortable or wanna do a compulsion i say "its not me its my ocd"......then what?

I get this feeling that I need to stop everything I am doing and "figure things out". I can't do anything because I am taken up with these "obsessions". going on with out "fixing" myself would be not "true" me.

------------todays journaling--------------
I feel I need to bear down and go through repetitive "its not me its my ocd", feel the pressure of bearing down and need to keep on doing it. If i don't....Is that accepting calm meaning im bisexual/have gay feelings?....

I need to realize I am placing limitations on myself. By not moving on ahead I am getting stuck in a cycle, which is not the true me.

Why did i sleep the whole day and waste my time? I knew all the work I had to do and all I wanted to do was concentrate on the immeadiate feeling of relaxation in my bed, where nothing could touch me.

Its not me...its my ocd...its my ocd...somethings fucking inside me head...what?!?

Its all in my head...Im making their be things fucking inside my head...in reality its nothing...
i just need to relax...

the more I think about it the more it seems possible....the more it seems real...i don't want to think about it cuz the more i do it seems I would like it....when i start to think more about it, it seems more true....like it won't feel so bad, that I might like it

I need to stop telling myself "i am not gay"....its part of the compulsion...don't need to tell myself what I already know

i say all this.....then i stil feel uncomfortable...is my uncomfortables another mirage? maybe their is no cure in this mindset and i should get out of it.

their is gay people fucking inside my head..no wait..there isn't...but feels like it.....i need to say it..I don't like guys fuckin inside of me...their is something fuckin inside me...no there isn't...all this is an illusion of my mind. All this running around is my own doing. I can stop it, its all just my mind.

is there something bothering me? yes there is...what is it? you already know what it is. You can make it stop. no i can't. yes you can. 

i can't do anything i can't do anything i can't do anything i can't do anything --STOP!

what is gay? i need figure that out and see if i adhere to it.....im afraid i might.....wait...the lines aren't as black and white as one would think...maybe thats how it is....keep thinking like this I will never be sure...(goes back to cycle)--bears down-- I'm not gay.....well this certainly doesn't make me not gay...I obviously know the disvalidity of these compulsions...then why do I still do them?...RELAX....you know what to do...you can't solve this own riddle thinking this way...remember Actions speak louder than words...

accept not me being gay...more specifically having "gay feelings".....but the possibility....and then move on....with the choice ive made (heterosexuaity).......is there a true nature?

true nature? i must ponder that later...

I think that maybe i am perpetuating my ocd...i get into the cycle and want to stay in it so i can stay in that fantasy world to escape from real world things that are goin on regardless this illusionary struggle...like i said...i don't think this "game" im playing has an end...no win..no lose...

sometimes i feel "fine" other times not.....sometimes i feel crazy...maybe i want to be crazy...

anyways....now after this rant...i feel "better"...but who knows for how long

i dont' know why i post these......whoever reads it prob wont' understand it....maybe i want people to...maybe it helps not to keep it all inside......I feel kinda naked baring all this......maybe its a good thing...

3/6/08 11:28 am - dream motivation

So this morning I took a snooze right before my chemistry class. My mom left the house around 9 so i figured in bout a 45 minute sleep. My alarm  was set to 9:40 and like a cock at sunrise, did its duty at when the time came. Grudgingly I came back to consciousness, figured I could sleep another 10 minutes and laid my head back down. In the midst of having this extremely wierd dream i suddenly snapped awake! I spent a 30 seconds contemplating what had just happend and then realized i had 4 mintues to class. I quickly sprang up and hurried to class. Well here is how i told the story to a friend online....


[11:37] CastawayOnLand: i was in the carribean with my dad, I think on the island of St. Lucia. We were about to take this tour around the island and I was screwing around on a motorbike. Im not sure what I was doing, I think I met a new girl and I was trying to impress her or something. Anyway I got off and nodded to the boat master that i was ready to go on the tour. Then I we like started flying above the water, and it was like we went above this aquatic zoo.....their were like feeding troughs in the water and dolphins were just laying there, mouth agaped waiting for people to tose fish at them. I want to give them fish, but I didn't buy any before the tour. Then we passed by another aquatic feeding stations, except these had alligators lying passively in the water, waiting for their treats. Then we passed by another animal, im not sure what it was, might've been squids. 

[11:38] TheErrantVenture: *nodding*

[11:45] CastawayOnLand: then suddenly i was taken off my flying adventure by a pelican.....and it carried me by my shirt, whisking me to a safe landing on the pier in front of a museum building or something. I saw as other pelicans brought the other tourists to the same spot. I guess the tour was done. So, completely disregarding my dad, I decided to explore and looked up the boardwalk at the hustle and bustle. It seemed as if we were in front of an airport....with so many peopel carrying around luggage. I saw a guy taylor (basket ball player that lived in schroeder) walking with a teammate in Ue basketball garb.....and I caught his eye. I waved and tried to walk towards him, thinking maybe he could explain where i was and what was going on. However he was a prisioner of the flow of human traffic, and even though he acknowledged me, he coudlnt' stop and he went away as fast as he had come. Then suddenly i had a black suitcase by my side. (it gets fuzzy here, so im gonna take creative liberty to fill in the blanks with what i thought happened) ONe of those rolling ones, coverd with tough nylon, a standard equipment for traveling. Wierd, i thought, and I tossed it down the stairs indifferently. It opened and I saw big bags of white powder....wtf? i htought and i quickly retrieved it, intending to investigate it later. I saw my dad, he was done with the tour too, and like nothign was wrong we progressed toward our hotel, as if it was a daily pattern for us.

[11:47] TheErrantVenture: sell it and get rich!

[11:53] CastawayOnLand: So we found our hotel, It was in the style of dorms. I think morton/brentano style. So my dad and I found our room. I decided to explore some more. So I went down to the lobby, got myself a drink, and surveyed the bar/dancehall scene. I casually watched people danced, and somehow started talking to this one girl. She was dark, at first I thougth she was black, but she had a more bronzed, golden tone, and I knew she may have been half, but their was some other ethnicity in her. Normally im not attracted to dark/black women, but she had this certain exotic beauty about her. So we talked and danced ( i think) and she intvited me to come up to her rooom later. Next thing i know im up in those same style dorm rooms with my black suitcase by my side like a loyal dog. Again, as she rested by the radiator next to the window, i was hit by her strange beauty. She had a friend with her, who was at the complete other end of hte color spectrum. She greatly reminded me of a past aquaintince (elizabeth emery who was friend of an ex g/f). Her semi-curly brown hair framed her pudgey face, and her heavy set body gave her the look of a plump turkey ready for thanksgiving. 

[12:00] TheErrantVenture: hmm

[12:06] CastawayOnLand: I brought out the white bag, to see if they could figure it out. Quickly we all concluded it was cocaine, and they asked how did I get it? I said I don't know, someone was offering it real cheap so I decided why not capitalize on this business opprotunity. I had sold weed before (once) so I thought why not try cocaine? The elizabeth clone said "clearly you don't know anything about selling cocaine". I shamefully admitted my ignorance, but I knew that she had experience so i asked if she could help me. "We need to taste it to figure out how much quality it is". So i took a bag, made a cut with a small kniife i had, and she wetted her pudgey finger and scooped some out like she was tasting powdered sugar. Then they exoitic girl decided she wanted to taste some and dug in. At this time i was sitting on her lap so i guessed things were goin good. As they tasted I asked them how good it was, and they said it was decent and suggested I try it. I said no, cuz i didn't want to get fucked up, not tonight, I had to get back to my hotel room with my dad and didnt' want to risk him noticing anything was amiss

[12:06] TheErrantVenture: hold that thought, i'm gonna run home for a sandwhich...will get online there.
[12:06] TheErrantVenture: ook
[12:06] TheErrantVenture: lol

[12:06] CastawayOnLand: ...So i passed and they kept on tasting. Then the exoitic girl started kissing me and at first i was exhilarted, but upon noticing the grainy residue of cocaine on her lips i quickly tried to pull away. "I can't get high tonight" i told myself, "i gotta get out of this" But she kept kissing me and I couldn't get away from it, or maybe I didnt' want to get away from it. So they kept on tasting the cocaine like they were eating powdered sugar ( can u even get high that way?) and I kept on helplessly trying to escape the situation, realizing my doom as I started to feel the wierd effects from the cocaine kisses i recieved. So i was stuck in that stuation......and then suddenly i snapped back to reality! i don't know what woke me up, i  got out of the dream as soon as I had fallen into it. I contemplated it for 30 seconds, then looked at the time and realizing I had only 4 minutes till my 10 o clock class I popped into action. I needed to get there in time for the quiz. I got there in time, but on the way driving i thought about my recent experience. I was intriuged that I feel into that stage of sleep to have a dream withen 10 mintues, and even stranger now that I felt a wave of motivation to get my studying done and get back on the ball ( i am behidn in alot of stuff). So I dont' know why but a dream about cocaine suddenly motivated me to do my work. lol. 

[12:06] TheErrantVenture: will read before i go
[12:06] TheErrantVenture: wowoww
[12:06] TheErrantVenture: lol
[12:06] CastawayOnLand: lol u can read when u get back
[12:06] CastawayOnLand: get ur sandwhich
[12:07] TheErrantVenture: (read it)
[12:07] TheErrantVenture: and yes, you can get high by "eating" cocaine
[12:07] TheErrantVenture: any way it gets into your blood stream
[12:07] TheErrantVenture: and sounds interesting

speaking of which..........i better get on my work.......

3/2/08 08:52 pm - project 2

 for my eng comp. class i need to write about a community.

I'm writing about My mom and I. 

Looking at this closely.....i have a pretty lazy lifestyle.....even more lazy than I was at UE....if thats even possible. Once again it finally hits me the gravity of my laziness lifestyle the past 2 semesters. God, I am such a fool. Looking at the life I live now, I wonder if I could get lost in it. I mean, she cooks for me, takes care of the house, helps me with homework.....etc....its an easy lifestyle. But come on.....do I really want to spend my adult life living with my parents? Part of me, the lazy part says yes, its the easy way out. NO! I can't go there. I wont' be 30yr old living with my parents. I don't want to be a loser. As much as I am afraid of world and what I will do in it, I need to face it. I need to get my life back, my social life. I used to love it. Then i gave that up for laziness too. I am done.

 I may have screwed up at UE and in the past, but I gotta stop that. I need to make it best i can from this moment on forward. I need to TRY. I need to CHANGE. I need to GROW UP. When I get responsible and on top of my work, then I will let myself go out again. I can party, but responsibly, not all the time and instead of partying and not doing my work i WILL do my work. I sure as hell don't know what I am going to do with my life. But i can't sit down and do NOTHING. I gotta do something. Anything. 

Off to working on my english paper.

3/2/08 01:49 pm - looking at "Life"

So looking in "life" section of live journal. I read a couple entires by a young girl in hs. The girl says she is in love. Haha, i doubt it. But then again, who am i to say what love is? we all assume that love doesn't happen till you get older, who says it can't happen anytime? Anyways, she writing in livejournal......i didn't do this when i was highschool Thinking about it, I didn't do much of anything that I really remember being proud of or constructive. I know this is untrue, im sure i did alot. But, i feel i shoiuld've wrote more when i was younger, been more of an angsty teen, instead of saving it all up for now. 

I read another post about a musician who i assume is in college. I liked his post about education. I can't find it now cuz i suck at navigating live journal. Basically he made the point that we dont' go to school to learn, but to "learn" how to learn. looking back, i always viewed school as an obstacle.........i never appreciated it. I wish i would've. I feel i wasetd my years of high school and college just 'trying to get by" and not taking the knowledge for what its worth.

Enough of this lametning on the past and stuff i wish i wuold've done. Its over. If i wish i would've done well i can't, its in the past,  but I can do it now. I can do what i wanted to do back then now.....its not too late. A late start, sure, but better late than never. Point im making is i need to stop looking and contemplating about the past and looking at my whole life with hindsight. If i didn't do something back then, i can do it now. So stop wondering about how I would've like my past, take it for what its worth and what i got and concentrate on the present. Because if you look too much into the past and not concentrate in the present, you won't have a future.

3/1/08 06:59 pm - quotes

Looking through my parents drawers for a stapler I came across a bunch of little quote cards. They say on the front "to your success" or "i believe in you" and inside have a little inspiring quote from somebody. I said to myself, "So this is where they have been coming from. I wonder if they bought them, or got them from my sister. The answer is one of those." I look at these quotes and think, "who are these people?" I have never heard of them. Their quotes are fancy, sometimes poetic, offering inspiring quotes to seek the best out of yourself in life. I guess i could use that now. Everyone ive been given ive passesd them apathetically to the trash, or some distant corner of my room to be forgotten and collect dust. 

I wonder, how famous these people are, who made the quotes. I scrutinize the back of the card, and find a website, www.live-inspired.com . I wonder how this company found these quotes. Did the people submit them? Did they have a team of people looking for inspiring quotes? At the culmination of all my questions I wonder, Will I ever have quotes of my own that will find their way into little cards like these? I imagine some kid reading my name and just is as clueless of who I am as the identities I find in the cards. Will I make quotes that one day people will read and take comfort from? That one day will be considered a little gem of wisdom. I beileve we all have book worthy quotes inside of us, what makes those people different from everyone else? Maybe they are successfu, famous. I would like to have some of my quotes, poems, something of mine published somewhere someday. I guess first I need to get sucessful first. Well Im not sure how I am going to do that, but I know that sleeping all day won't help. I will still write in my livejournal. It gives me comfort, even if noone reads it.
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